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I guess I'm back.. yeah.. I am... wait.. well... no I'm not.
I've decided to come back to this place.. I'm alot stronger of a person now... so.. I would be able to tolerate other people bullshit since I was able to rid myself of my own.. *Steps back through the Dorrs of DA... claps hands in one loud smack...* Let the madness begin.
You know those days when one comes to realize the future ahead of themselves… however… the thinking process is too much for myself to even explain… so here I find myself... writing this in my journal… to get a thought out of you... the reader… and though… I wouldn't say all there is to say... because what if... you know if certain information could fall in "wrong hands"… hmmm… here I am listening to my music… and whatever it may be… my anime soundtracks... as much as my Drum n Bass… even a little trance… with some underground hip hop… doing N O T H I N G with myself… Gawd... it's so boring… not a single thought comes to my head... that I want to do... because the thoughts I have already thought of… it would... repetitious of me… so... what would it be that you are doing besides reading my journal entry?
... Returned I have
"dont listen to him, donny-d is just trying to get into her pants by showing his sensitive sign... well your desperate attempt to impress the ladies has failed."

hmm... came across this on one person's site... and when to the site of the person who wrote this and wrote:
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"well your desperate attempt to impress the ladies"

a) That is going to slide only because your knowledge about me is below the minimum...
b) You don't even know
c) Nor have you ever seen how I look...
d) Yeah the girl "K" is an acttrative girl but...
e) DUDE! you fuckin live in America... you know the bad sides when being with underage girls (I ain't no petafiling cradle robber...)

But!
SHEEEET! you're a guy... you think like a guy...

YET!
maybe.. your attempts to show how you feel about her are going on inside... only that you wanted to make yourself look cool by downfalling another person (FUCKED UP!)... thats not cool...

OH wait!
your only sixteen... I'd expect childish behaivor from one who acts like a child... damn.. atleast have the fuckin decency to telll me things to my face... rather than making yourself look better infrint of other people... damn.. glad I'm out of high school... so I would deal with asshole sixteen year olds like you (yeah.. I'm passing judgement on you.. and you may think thats fucked up.. it wasn't so nice when you fuckin did it too... and at least I'm fuckin noting this to you... so other people wouldn't read it and I'm not trying to look cool.. on the fuckin internet...) hey thanks alot... I hate being posed as... "the guy who tries to sway girls with his sensitivity..." and actually.. yeah I'm sensative... so in another sense.. what you did.. I found rude... and kinda disrespectfull... it'd be nice if people like you.. weren't acting like jerks to insult others.. just to look cool... hope one day you would correct mistakes like this.. so you can rather help making this sad world.. into a better place.

What pisses me off even more... I was fuckin going through the whole blissfullness just because christmas was coming... then.. coming around your fuckin BULLSHIT! (yes.. it's bullshit.. because it never had to be done.. you did it for fuckin selfish reasons..) your bullshit.. made my fuckin mood... go into a downfall.. again.. thanks... thanks for being an asshole
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Damn... kinda even pissed off at myself.. because maybe my message to the guy was over offensive... and the message didn't get through.. and above all.. I may have even hurt the guys feelings... or even just as worst.. offended him... yet still.. I have nothing but shallowed feelings for the moment... still I'm hurt... and thats my FUCKIN! problem.. being FUCKIN SENSATIVE... (GAWD! it's so hard when a guy has fuckin feelings... the deep sensative kinds... because
a) Nice guys finish last.... or me... not at all...
b) My emotions get the best of me...
c) The guy friends belittle me because of it..
d) I easily feel hurt...
e) and for a guy like me to get hurt... is really not a good combination... pain.. sensativity.. and I)

man.. life truely does suck... really... if it had to be so full of hurt and pain... why go through with it... why should pain be.. why must we have people with ugly perosnalities.. or even... asshole like ones... jerks... just because their life is going bad.. must they as well cause the life of another to be like SHIT! hmmm... only if.. the world.. could change.. but it doesn't.. everyday.. one person takes form another... and that perosn takes from another.. then another.. and another... I know there are "some" good people out.. whom don't do nothing and help to make this world.. easier to live in.. yet.. we're outnumbered.. and the waves negativity sweeps across and takes the final victor... hmmm... going to stop.. and do something.. fuckin productive.. ganna stay away from deviant art for a while.. (just because someone pissed me off!?) yeah.. because someone just pissed me off... thought this was a site with people.. who were artistic in the soul.. and personified their beauty.. on to a page... but no... this site contains "some" dumb ass teens.. trying to look good in fornt of a girl who tries to express a certain artistic value of herself.. and all it took.. was a dumb ass teenager to just say.. SHE'S HOT! (in some sense... it would be nice to say that to a certain girl... yet when you leave nothing but that.. and trying not to expose the value the artis was intending.. or even an artistic value.. and incorporating the beauty of the girl.. but more the reason why she even puts it up there.. letting everybody know who a certain person in there life was meaning to them...)

Nothing really left to say.. in this journal.. except.. because I'm way too damn sensative.. and I myself know that... and I can't stop the process of my thinking nor the jagged senses of burdens in my head... and it being around christmas.. killed it for me... I thought people woul dbe nicer... I thought wrong... I'm not going to come back to this site for a while.. a while.. even I myself know not how long that would be...
Kinda wierd... today I woke to some jazzy christmas carols on my stereo... kinda mad that people use shit without permission... BUT! I wasn't feeling bad.. kinda good.. and could wait for christmas.. (for those who know me... yeah I was like WHAT THE HELL!?) kinda wierd.. anyways.. because of that unexpected matter... I feel good.. (again.. WHAT THE HELL!?) well I hope everyone who reads this.. at feels good... remember christmas is coming... and if someone.. who is always.. constantly.. sad... can be happy.. at least a time once year... so can you... journal... I hope everyone could feel the sense of untimely happiness like I... even the bad ones.. (through good actions ofcourse...) well.. off to go.. do the usual shinangins I do... bye
(For those whom wish to respond to this journal entry... please.. watch what you say... I know it's just a movie... I know that movies are different from reality... and for those who think they know me... and wish to try and correct me.. dammit... (you know who you are) it just really shows  that you don't know.. and that all your efforts in the past did nothing but inslt with the way you say it... yah.. you know who you are)...

I just saw Memento... really a great film... but as soon as I began to think like lenny... and understanding his pain and anxieties... damn.. it reminded me of the ones I have... he and I are different though.. however... we wake up hoping the day t be good.. when it just ends up being bad.. though his moments.. the whole movie was in a time spand of two days... my goes forever.. and it forever remains the same... hmm it just it bugs me... I feel a sort of emptiness about it... I feel the pain he has.. not being able to have the ability to hold the good memories... forever are bowls remain empty really... it just depresses me... how dreadful each day becomes.. another difference between he and I is the sad fact that he can awaken to a new moment and have the potential to have a moment of happiness... though.. unlike me... my moments only get from bad to worse... just like I.. he can be decieved very easily... as well... so yeah.. thats about it.. and there is more too... but really.. I forgot what they were.. yet lenny has the tattoos on his body to remind him, pictures, notes... I on the other hand have that eternal sense of emptiness... hmmm...

Again.. if you (the reader) wish to comment.. honestly.. I can't stop you.. but please.. I've already had a thrashing about this because a very good friend of mine remains to be.. kinda ignorant about how I'd feel about what words I'd hear that would come straight from his mouth... so if you wish to say something.. and you might think Id accept it being offensive.. or above all.. even if you yourself would think of it being offensive.. give a reason why explaing to me that what your saying is good and you mean well... okay...
Were arn't gods... so we don't have the abilities to stop the waves of time... we only move with it.
Transitions from left to right... up to down... how does one stop a wave of water... how does impede penatrating light... you can't... for moments... you can place a wall infront of a wave... and shell the sun... yet still... they exist... you can't stop the flow that is life...
my life...
is a shattered mirror...
I look at it...
and it's a complete representation of I...
I'm too broken because I'm so fragile...
and I'm in scattered pieces...
to break this curse... of the unluckiness of broken mirrors... is to bury the broken mirrors...
does that mean I must bury myself...
what am I to do... nothing for the moment...
this feeling has been flowing eversince the dawn of the weekend...
I always had hoped to wake up to a new morning...   
the rays of the golden sun would wash away the sadness of  
the night...
the day before...
the time before...
for two days... I'm feeling the aches...
it opened doors to the past mistakes...
the past troubles..
the past depression...
can it be due to the fact I'm walking away from the light...
away from everything good...
no... it can't...
everyday... I'm always hoping to find new things to feel good
about life...
but...
my vision is covered up...
covered by the past trouble, mistakes, depression...
for the moment I am blind...
tomorrow I'll go deaf
because I'm evolving to shell myself from this world...
and...
what I'll be in this world.
I finally chose to put this out because I just saw it on the news... and increased my "feeling of shit" about it...

Just came across the news about the murders in Philidelphia and man… what down bringer… ever since the 9-11... I thought I've seen bad… and I see bad again… hmmm thinking about these people dying or any one… just depresses me… I hate the hate in this world but Martin Luther King once said… "You can't kill hate with hate…" but how does one expect to love a murderer… shit… I'm basically feeling so "broken and shattered"… this world is ugly… and for the only way this world to be a better place… is for everyone to just love each other… a little bit more even, to make up for those who choose not to love… and for those whom choose not to love… I hope that later in life… you find a better reason to… because you hate how this world is… and hating it… is not going to fix it… loving those whom love you will… and for those whom don't love you… they'll one day see.. why you have a great person inside you… and then they'll choose to love you… (if your someone that I don't know… automatically... I don't hate you) damn… why did I put this in here… that's because.. this world.. already ugly.. would only be a better place if everyone just did a little bit… here's my little part so please… if possible do yours...
I came across a poem titled... "He's in the house" and I fell in love with... it was the first poetry I ever came across that didn't rhyme and I liked it... it expressed such elaborate and raw feelings... and each time I read it... I felt like I was drowning in her words and felt the emotions she intended to express... I went to see who the writer was... saw her face and.. WOW... she was cute.... not the typical puppy face cute... she was young yet her skin oozed such a mature sexiness (or so I felt)... yeah from a mere picture... how often was that... you come across those glamour magazines and any guy can say.. I want a woman like that... not me.... never I have ever wanted such woman.... modeling was their carrer... and magazines did nothing but exploit their external beauty and not their minds... this "girl" on the other hand.... wrote such poetry "just" worthy enough for ears of an angel... yeah I did held her poetry in high regards... still do... so technically.. I didn't fall in love with her face... I'm in love more with her work (for those who read and think that's bullshit... I don't blame you... men.. no... guys in this world are personified as to following any beautiful woman like a dog... so I can't really blame you if men have a bad rap) I guess we came off in also a bad start because one night in a drunken haze I made up another acount and just wanted to point out that there were alot of guys that were talking to her... and to just spice things up.. I wrote.. "DOES NOT LIKE DEVIANT" the next morning I read her reply and felt kinda bad... but the way she retorted was that not of a typical pretty girl whom puts on make up all the time to make sure she was pretty because she a little bit insecure... no.. her response was quite elaborate and mature... suprised for the second time... I felt bad so that morning I had my first poetry of the day fall on her eyes... she responded and said she liked.. so I didn't feel bad as much as I did before when I did that "ridiculous thing" of offending her... later on.. I read her other works.. and my god.. they were also as good as the first one I read... hehe I guess small talks picked up from there... and I remember this one incident where she wrote this in her journal entry: "dig those fingernails into my neck, willed myself to restrain the heat....i hurt to make sure i'm still alive...i feel pain to know who i am.." then I was like... "can she be as troubled and sad as I" so I made this poem for her intitled "This is for me" and I was trying to be creative so the title would be her saying it.. rather than me... because it was my consolidation gift to her... she was sad and I kinda wanted to help her be happy... the messed up thing is.. I think she never read it.. so then I felt like I wasted my emotions on it... well you know what they say.. selfless acts are acts that only you know you did a good job... it turns out her problem was just a little something she wanted to do.. knowing the fact she was creative and all... so again.. something she wrote was small yet so powerful... again for the third time.. (keeping count here) she surprised me... the last thing she said to me was.... "am I still alluring ;)" I said yes..."LIKE A FOOL (a fool because a womans external beauty should never bare wieght on me ever again)" I mean I can admit... she was a sight for those worthy enough to cast sight upon god... but then.. nothing happened... bitter silence was all that was left from there... then just moments ago I came across her general deviation page... and I read someone saying... "(Her Name) every 1's flirting with u!!!!!!! well i love you the most" and I thought to myself... wait.. I hate being placed among men who just chase women like dogs... flirting I guess is a relation between every man and woman... I hate it... I hated being deemed to be getting together with some woman... also honestly... for those who know me... I DON"T WANT A GIRLFRIEND... I know deep in my heart I'm "longing" for one (yeah... not needing a girlfriend... nor wanting one... but "longing")... however... I'm just not ready for one.. yet... this doesn't mean I'm switching my sexuality preferences... but I just don't want one... so back to this "girl" hmmm... it's kinda complicated... I guess I'll still look at her work but... I... just don't want to be another number.............

:) for those whom actually stuck through this hell of a journal entry.. please respond... I wanna know people insights on this... but for those who wonder whether I like her... hmm... I can honestly say... "GOOD QUESTION".. that doesn't mean I do or I don't like her... but it's a good question...
ever wanted to go for a really long walk... so long that you sometimes wish to never go back home... I'm gonna go outside... and once the stick is done... I will reach my conclusion... of whether I should come back or not...

sometimes can't you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.. really I know they are not but sometimes.. just sometimes.. I can't walk because the weight I carry is so heavy not on my shoulders.. but the weight in my heart... (man... I hate crying and I hate life right now.... I'm holding my head)